The Fork and the Freeze

It wasn’t supposed to happen like that. I had prepared. I had rehearsed responses. I had done the breathwork. But there I was, at Christmas, fork in hand, surrounded by family—people I love deeply and yet still can’t quite connect with the way I long to.

One comment. Not even sharp, just… familiar. A specific tone, maybe even a facial expression. Suddenly, my body tensed. My vision narrowed. My jaw locked. And my nervous system, bless her vigilant little heart, said, “We know this. Run.”

I didn’t run. I did dishes. Silently. Avoidantly. I smiled. I nodded. But I wasn’t there anymore. I was deep in the past, where conflict sounded like that tone, and love often wore armor.

Sound familiar?

Maybe it’s not your family table. Maybe it’s the classroom, or a board meeting, or a team Zoom call. That moment where someone says or does something—and your body reacts before you even understand why.

You think, Why am I like this?
Or worse, What’s wrong with me?

Let me offer something else:
Nothing’s wrong with you. Your body is protecting you.

What Your Nervous System Wishes It Could Tell You

That Christmas moment (and a thousand others like it) didn’t make me a failure as a facilitator, coach, or human. It made me a case study. One I’ve spent decades unpacking—through neuroscience, applied improvisation, psychology, and heart and vibrational science.

Let me walk you through what was actually happening in my body—and likely, yours too—using three of the most game-changing frameworks I use with clients across education, mental health, and corporate sectors.

Polyvagal Theory (Stephen Porges)

Our bodies are wired with a built-in surveillance system called neuroception—our ability to detect safety or danger without conscious thought. Dr. Stephen Porges explains that this system operates through the vagus nerve, determining whether we feel connected (safe), anxious (mobilized), or numb (shutdown).

That day at the table?
My nervous system dropped me into a freeze state. Not because my family is unsafe. But because something felt familiar enough to be coded as danger.

In everyday terms:
Your body is like a secret service agent. It doesn’t need permission to react—it just does.

Client story (corporate):
I once worked with a manager who couldn’t understand why a high-performing team member ghosted every weekly meeting. We uncovered that the tone and intensity of the team leader mimicked an environment of trauma from the employee’s past. Once we made subtle shifts in communication style, her attendance and participation skyrocketed.
Not resistance. Nervous system protection.

Window of Tolerance (Dan Siegel)

Dr. Dan Siegel describes our Window of Tolerance as the range of emotional intensity we can manage while staying present and regulated. Inside the window, we’re responsive. Outside, we’re reactive—or completely shut down.

In my case, that tone pulled me outside my window. I didn’t scream or cry. I disappeared inward. Functional on the outside. Fried on the inside.

Think of it like this:
Imagine your nervous system as a stress container. When it’s full, everything spills. Widening your window means you stay in control—even when life pushes your buttons.

Client story (education):
I coached a teacher who was baffled by a student who constantly “checked out.” After applying window-of-tolerance strategies—like clear transition cues, safe movement breaks, and visual structure—that same student began turning in homework for the first time in months. He didn’t need consequences. He needed space to stay within his window.

Co-Regulation (Deb Dana & Bruce Perry)

Let’s get real: Self-regulation is a myth unless it’s been modeled. Co-regulation is when one person’s calm, connected presence helps another person regulate their nervous system. It’s how babies learn to soothe, and it’s how adults reconnect after conflict.

That day, I didn’t need advice. I needed a regulated human to breathe with me.

Put simply:
Humans are like Wi-Fi routers. If you’re calm, I can connect. If you’re glitching, I lose signal.

Personal example:
When I’m with my husband Charlie or my dog Pax, I naturally slow down. My breath evens. My voice softens. Their calm transfers to me. I have identified this as powerful co-regulation.

Client story (school):
In a training for K–5 educators, a teacher said, “I keep telling my kids to calm down, but they don’t listen.” I asked, “Are you calm when you say it?” We practiced a 60-second breath-and-posture shift before transitions. Her students didn’t just “listen”—they followed. Not because she spoke louder. But because she showed regulation.

How We Shift the System (and Why It’s Not Just About You)

What happens inside our nervous systems is not just personal—it’s structural. It’s cultural. It’s contagious.

Imagine if boardrooms paused for breath instead of battles.
If corporate cultures prioritized nervous system health over hustle.
If mental health facilities started with safety before story.
If classrooms began the day with emotional clarity instead of command and control.
If families led with curiosity instead of correction.

We don’t just need better behavior—we need better systems.
Systems built on neuroscience, not noise. On safety, not shame.

And here’s the best part: it’s not abstract. It’s actionable.
I teach leaders, clinicians, educators, and parents to build these systems—through experiential training, curiosity-based coaching, and humor that disarms the nervous system (and sometimes even wins over your inner critic).

Your Nervous System Wants a Plan

You’ve made it this far because your body and brain are ready for change.

So, let’s begin right now:

Start Here:

1. Notice your body in moments of stress—tightness, breath holding, fidgeting, freezing.
2. Name it: “I’m outside my window. I need to regulate.”
3. Find a co-regulator: Someone grounded, a breath anchor, a dog, a tree, a moment of humor.
4. Reset with rhythm: Walk, hum, sway, or use HeartMath’s Quick Coherence® (60 seconds is enough to begin).

And if you want a companion for this work—someone who will meet you with science, compassion, and zero shame—I’m here.

Let’s Build Better Human Systems—Together

If you’re:

• A leader ready to embed regulation into your workplace culture
• A clinician who wants to help clients shift from reaction to resilience
• An educator who’s tired of the “just try harder” approach to behavior
• Or a human who wants to stop spiraling during family dinners…

Let’s connect.

I offer:

• One-on-one coaching
• Strength-based team trainings
• Interactive experiences
• Keynote experiences that are unforgettable (and extremely brain-friendly)

You’re not too much. You’re not too sensitive. You’re not overreacting.

You’re just ready to stop surviving—and start thriving.

Visit christianaafrank.com
Let’s build the future of regulation, together.